WEEK 1 Wind DOWN

9/10/2024:

A TALE OF TWO BEASTS

Buckle up cowboy, as we explore highs and lows of the rollercoaster of emotions that Week 1 has brought upon us. While some of us (Lewis) are currently sitting high on our horses, others (Owen) are already Googling “how to deal with fantasy football heartbreak.” For the latter, fear not, as this week we’re diving into the gritty reality of love, loyalty, and, well, horses.

Country Life: The Land of Horses and Happily Ever Afters

In the wide open spaces of the countryside, where folks bond over hay bales and moonshine, marriages seem to last a bit longer. Maybe it's because when your nearest neighbor is 3 miles away, the grass doesn’t look that much greener. Maybe it’s because your options for leaving are limited to “run to the next town” or “run into a tree.” Or maybe it’s because you have a trusty horse to get you through the rough patches. You need a partner who’s built for the grind, dependable, and there when it matters. In fantasy football, this translates into loyalty toward your heavy hitters — the players who pull the wagon week after week. No frills, no flash, just a guaranteed ride into the sunset. You ride with them, and they take you places.

Urban Fling: Quick to Love, Quicker to Leave

Then, there's the urban jungle, where commitment is as fleeting as your waiver wire pickups. The bright lights, the fast pace, the endless Tinder swipes. Divorce rates in the city? Sky-high. Same goes for teams who fall for that one flash-in-the-pan player who had a freak week and dropped 25 points out of nowhere. Congrats, he’s your fantasy rebound. Spoiler alert: that one-trick pony ain't winning you any championships. You might want to file those divorce papers now. It’s easy to jump ship when you're surrounded by distractions, temptations, and people who think avocado toast counts as a personality trait. You fall in love fast, you get disappointed even faster, and before you know it, you’re back on the waiver wire looking for someone better.

Now, let’s get real for a second. Nothing — and I mean nothing — crushes your soul like that player you thought was a sure thing, only for them to completely faceplant. You know the one. That hero who pulled a disappearing act in Week 1, leaving you questioning everything from your draft strategy to your worth as a human being. We’re talking about the kind of bust that makes even the toughest managers feel insecure. You know the feeling — like when you’re three drinks deep at the bar, the lights are low, and suddenly, everyone looks like a solid option. You’re feeling confident, like you’re about to make the best decision of your night... only to wake up the next morning realizing that what looked like a solid 10 was more of a regrettable 2. It's a humbling experience. You thought you had a lock, a sure thing, but turns out you were just blind drunk on Pre-Draft hype. Now you’re nursing your fantasy hangover, staring at that empty points column, wondering where it all went wrong. We've all been there — and just like at the bar, the lesson here is simple: sometimes, what looks like a stud in the moment is just a bust waiting to happen.

And now, the fun part… Lets take a closer look at who’s really in it for the long ride and who’s about to ghost you after a lucky weekend. Let’s speculate on who’s a legit workhorse, ready to carry your team to glory, and who’s that wittle pony you should’ve left at the draft. Are your top players the kind you settle down with, or are they about to leave you out in the cold, rethinking your fantasy future? Welcome… to Horse or Divorce? (p.s. i’m not a fucking analyst, so we’re only looking at your first 3 draft picks)

Post-Draft ReCAP

8/31/2024:

Where Bad Decisions and Regret Are Born

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the aftermath of the most baffling display of drafting I’ve ever witnessed. Let’s dive right into the disaster, starting with our very own Sasha French, who’s apparently under the impression that drafting wide receivers with quarterbacks on the cusp of their midlife crisis is a winning strategy.

Sasha French: The Time Traveler

First-round pick: Garrett Wilson. Second-round pick: Drake London. Oh, Sasha, you magnificent disaster. Drafting Garrett Wilson and Drake London is like betting your championship hopes on a pair of vintage VHS tapes—outdated, unreliable, and destined to collect dust. Nothing screams confidence like banking your entire season on a couple of wide receivers being fed the ball by quarterbacks who should be filing for AARP by Week 6. Rodgers, fresh off his stint as the NFL’s resident shaman, is probably too busy contemplating his next ayahuasca retreat to care about throwing touchdowns. Sasha, I have to ask: Were you drafting a fantasy football team or prepping the next cast for The Expendables? If you’re banking on Rodgers and Cousins to lead your wideouts to fantasy glory, then congratulations, you’ve just officially signed up for the slowest and most painful season collapse we’ll all have the pleasure of witnessing. Sasha’s strategy screams “I don’t understand the current NFL landscape,” and it shows.

Tom Salsman: Founder of the Fantasy Football Retirement Community

If you thought Sasha French’s draft was a head-scratcher, wait until you hear about Tom’s masterclass in building the ultimate fantasy football retirement home. Tom decided to draft a team that’s more suited to hosting bingo nights than winning championships.

Let’s take a look at his roster of NFL geriatrics:

  • 2nd Round: Travis Kelce

  • 4th Round: Cooper Kupp

  • 5th Round: Keenan Allen

  • 8th Round: DeAndre Hopkins

  • 15th Round: Adam Thielen

I mean, seriously, Tom? Did you forget we’re drafting for 2024 and not reassembling the 2016 Pro Bowl roster? If your goal was to set up a team that’ll need more ice packs than touchdowns, congratulations, you nailed it. Maybe you can start a new fantasy league—one where the most arthritic team wins.

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Half of you are clinging to draft picks that should have come with a warning label: “For entertainment purposes only.” As we turn the corner to Week 1, it’s time to see which one of you geniuses actually knows football and who’s just been wasting everyone’s time with your terrible draft picks. The season’s about to start, and while some of you are probably already plotting your victory speeches, I’m here to remind you that most of you are about to get a rude awakening. Who will emerge as the self-proclaimed fantasy expert who spent all offseason analyzing stats, only to draft a team that’s as underwhelming as a preseason game. You’ll spend more time tweaking your roster than actually winning, and your Week 1 opponent is about to expose just how little all that “research” actually matters.

Most of you are about to embark on a season filled with disappointment, frustration, and a deep-seated resentment for your own draft decisions. Reality is about to hit, and for some of you, that reality is an injury report longer than your list of excuses. Get ready to watch your stars go down like dominos while you scramble to fill your lineup with waiver wire scraps.

Good luck—you’re all going to need it. Week 1 is here, and for most of you, it’s the beginning of the end.